Get Outta My Dark

At the edge of town, next to the POS of A building along the creek, used to sit a tan, tarpaper shack owned by Leah.

Leah wore the same flowered polyester shirt for years, along with some natty polyester trousers. Her white hair was pulled back with metal barrettes, she had large glasses, and she walked hunched over, a permanent scowl and pout on her face. Even when she laughed, she looked angry. She probably WAS angry, because she didn't seem to have any teeth.

Leah was semi-retarded. or maybe just completely retarded. All I know is, she was strange. To support herself, Leah had a tiny business out of her shack - mostly selling newspapers to the Villagers of Woodward, although I vaguely remember tales of 20 year old cigarettes and toilet paper for sale as well. Her nearest paper-peddlin' rivals were the Wee Hoose in Coburn and Greenland's Store in Aaronsburg.

Her prize possession was a Mickey Mouse phone. Lord, that woman loved her phone.

Leah lived a quiet life for the most part, complaining about most things, eating Spaghetti-Os out of a can. Somewhere there exists a strange photograph of me wearing horrible grey moon boots, my mom talking to the guy dressed as Santa who arrived in Woodward on a fire truck, and LEAH chortling in a shabby pea coat. God, I wish I could find that picture...

Anyway, one of the neighbor kids spent a lot of time harassing poor Leah with a tape recorder. With little else to do out in Woodward, I suppose it makes sense. The Leah Recordings are legendary among a select few Woodward Diaspora, mostly because she came out with the weirdest, almost medieval sayings. I'm not sure if this was on a tape or if it was just a story that got repeated, but two phrases I remember best are

GET OUTTA MY DARK!!!

...and the story about the "blow viper in her coal pile."

I'm sure there will be more about Leah later as I remember more stories about her, but I will start off with this:

One evening, Leah came into the store and asked me to count out 200 lottery tickets. She'd just gotten her relief cheque and was in a hurry...to her sister's funeral.